The Back Page’s “Guide” to the other 23 teams in National South this season.
PLAY-OFF LOSERS:
A lot of people are expecting them to go up because they are (admittedly) massive, but Torquay are still coming to terms with being in the sixth tier, having lost a play-off final at Hornchurch, exactly the kind of graveyard they’re desperate not to have to play in. They’ve kept hold of Deon Moore, who was supposedly interesting Exeter. For now …
Dorking released a pre-season special earlier this week. If you’re stuck for a drinking game, try downing a shot every time the word “injuries” features. You’ll be wankered in the first five minutes.
Maidenhead and Weston both seem well run and will probably be up there again. Hemel Hempstead have lost both their manager, Lee Allinson, and the element of surprise.
COMING UP:
Jay Saunders with a budget is bad news for the rest of the division and Folkestone may well go straight up.
Walton & Hersham, the first ever visitors to JWW for a league match, have won four promotions in six seasons, but their squad was lobotomised during the summer.
Billericay’s detamplification process seems to be going quite well, while Farnham look like Dorking 2.0.
RELEGATED:
Braintree were under an embargo until very recently, but they remain typical of the kind of Essex club that somehow prosper despite everyone thinking they’re “tinpot”.
Truro had one look at the National League and came, in the words of Curiosity Killed The Cat, straight back down to earth. It’s an experience their owners may be reluctant to repeat in a hurry.
LAST YEAR’S CROP
Local rivals: As reported elsewhere, Gravesend won’t start the season and even if they do, bettering last year’s ninth place will hinge on finding an investor-benefactor-imbecile who loves them in the same way the Doctor once did.
Tonbridge should stay up comfortably enough and may challenge – after all we did with virtually the same players. What happens next year, if they don’t find an investor-benefactor-imbecile, may be trickier.
Dover have found new investors, although their ambitions are less imbecilic than realistic: they want to stage live music in the Centre Spot after games. At least they can’t be accused of peddling false hope.
The rest: Totton are now managed full-time by Lockdown Stone Scott Rendell and have signed Tik Tok’s Sol Wanjau-Smith. We’re now into Year Two of Salisbury’s attempt to crack the Egyptian market through the medium of compelling story-telling and there’s no indication it’ll be any more successful than Year One. Jamie Yila is an interesting replacement for Leone Gravata (above) at Horsham, who took four points from us last year and look relatively settled.
Chesham, where we fell apart last year, look good enough to at least stay up. Farnborough are in a similar boat to Maidstone: trying to stay in the black means they’ve lost Aaron Kuhl and Rakish Bingham to Farnham.
Hampton, under Alan Dowson should be safe enough, with Will De Havilland at the back. Wealdstone-triggering-Baller-League midfielder Sak Hassan could provide some excitement. Their ex-manager, and former Elvis End favourite Alan Julian, is going to have his work cut out keeping Slough in the division this year.
AND FINALLY …
Essex boys: Aside from Braintree and Billericay, there are just two more trips to Gemma Collins Land. They both have apparently bottomless resources, they both want to go to the Premier League and they were both, pound-for-pound, among the league’s very worst performers last year. Dagenham have so many mergers under their belt one more won’t make any difference, so why not absorb Chelmsford as well and do us all a favour?
- For a genuinely in-depth, properly-researched preview, we recommend this, by Dagenham fan Lee Wilson.
