Maidstone 2 Bromley 3 in 2023. A result that broke many of us. Bromley have just sacked Andy Woodman after losing to (checks notes …) Leicester in League One. Picture by Steve Terrell.
“DICKHEADS”
This week Elon Musk spent nearly a billion dollars trying to get Republicans elected in the USA and he bombed so badly he could have been running a mid-table National South football club.
Everywhere you look there’s carnage: members of Chelmsford’s coaching staff allegedly called fans “dickheads” after they lost to Farnham on Monday. There are rumours of a “toxic” dressing room at Dagenham and Jimmy Ball is clinging on at Torquay despite having won at Walton & Hersham – the equivalent of a struggling test batter scoring a century against Zimbabwe.
Bromley, the club everyone cites when complaining about our supposed lack of ambition, have replaced the most successful manager they’ve ever had with Karl Robinson, and Morecambe are just the latest of many clubs showing the grass is often browner after a take-over.
A FRESH WAVE?
The latest update from Maidstone’s owners was as interesting for what it couldn’t say as what it could, but 14 paragraphs in, we got to the nub:
“In recent weeks, we have received a fresh wave of investor interest and have chosen to focus our discussions on one group in particular, whose people are experienced football club owners. Outline terms have now been agreed for the sale of a controlling interest in Maidstone United.
As part of that process, the prospective investors are undertaking detailed financial, legal and operational due diligence. This is entirely normal in transactions of this nature, although it can be both complex and time-consuming.”
This is significant. It’s the most concrete news we’ve had since the Manchett deal went south in 2023, but it obviously begs a few questions. Chiefly, how do you quantify a “wave of interest”?
The Back Page knows of at least three bidders who’ve emerged in the last few months. In one case, a deal was agreed with a local consortium and the documents were all ready to be signed, when it fell through.
Another interested party was believed to include the former Arsenal player Mohamed Elneny. The Egyptian was seen at the ground on more than one occasion and thought to be part of a consortium, although he’s subsequently signed for Greek top flight side Leviadiakos so wouldn’t have been able to take on any day-to-day role (or play).
The third party was also said to involve Mexican investors and as they reportedly have experience of running football clubs in their native country, these would seem the most likely.
WISH LIST
The reaction to this latest announcement was a mixture of cynicism and cautious optimism. My personal feeling is that while some people have no idea how badly this club was run for generations before 2010, time eventually catches up with everyone and these owners can’t go on forever.
A takeover opens up all sorts of possibilities, good and bad. It’s not unreasonable to dream of doing what Bromley have done, although I doubt Robinson was on anyone’s bingo card, especially in the days when Marc Goldberg was managing them as his post-Palace methadone project.
If, and this is still a big if, the deal goes through, here’s a Wish List:
(1) make Riley Court the marquee signing and build the team around him. Sign an experienced head like Reece Prestedge (ask your Dads) or Karl Elsey (ask your Grandads) to look after him.
(2) Build some terracing on the Riverside. Like they have at Totton or Eastbourne. It would improve the viewing experience immensely, espcially if you’re drumophobic.
(3) Don’t say we’ve got a ten-year-plan to get into the Premier League, it’s the surest sign you’ve got no idea what you’re doing.
(4) Don’t sign average, or crap, players on high wages. This sounds self-evidently sensible but you’ve only got to look literally everywhere else in non-league football to see examples. #Essex
(5) Don’t hire a consultant, of any kind, in any capacity. These are some of the very worst people ever shat onto the face of the earth.
(6) Don’t employ a foetus with a podcast to take over our social media channels, especially not one who uses a microphone that looks like a badger’s colostomy bag.
(7) Don’t turn us into Gravesend. Please. Some of us like the view from the moral highground.
(8) Sort the catering out. Please. Not for me, I don’t eat half-pounders at 4pm in the afternoon, but just to stop people from moaning.
That’ll do for starters …
AND FINALLY …
Did you know there was a series on Amazon Prime called “Gravesend”? Described as “The Sopranos with a $15 budget”, you can guess the plot. Wise guys say things like “broads” and “foooak”. They eat almost continuously, they drink Espressos and they threaten to cut each other’s balls off. The characters are called things like Carmine Mingeitelli and Flavio Snatchatoni. It’s set in Brooklyn, although it could be Denton.
It’s shit, but it’s watchable shit. Norman Mailer once produced a film called “Maidstone”. Mailer is supposed to be a great writer, but this is unwatchable shit. Cheers.
